The Bridge Life
by Adam Epp
Summary: The Bridge Crew: These are the men and women that have been chosen to defend humanity. And they are completely incompetent. We're all going to die.


**Note: **These are some scenes that don't fit very well into a longer story that I'm writing, but I think this works well enough on its own.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion._

---

_**The Bridge Life**_

_---_

_The Question:_

Two members of NERV's much-depleted staff were having a crisis.

"So...what exactly do we do here?" NERV's best air guitarist, Shigeru Aoba, asked his only friend. The question had been at the tip of his tongue for nearly two years.

"You're asking that now?" remarked Makoto Hyuga, the man doomed to die a virgin. "Didn't you go through training? Remember all those _Angels_ we fought?"

"I did go through training, but I still don't understand why we need to be here. There hasn't been an Angel attack in years. As far as I can tell, we, everyone on NERV, the whole company itself, are simply wasting the taxpayers' money. We're not doing anything."

"We work on the bridge. They need people like us on the bridge."

"Why, though?"

"Are you serious? To operate and give feedback on the MAGI Supercomputer."

"I know that much, but it's a supercomputer, right? Like, I can read its specs; that's what I was taught to do. I know how amazing this computer is."

"So? That's why they need so many people on the bridge. Because the MAGI would be too tough to handle for one person."

"But that's not true. That thing is incredibly smart."

"Yeah, hence us three technicians. Like I said, too smart for one person."

"It's not, though! It doesn't even need one person at the handle. It's that smart."

"Are you insane?" Hyuga was practically pulling his hair out. "Come on, who lets such a powerful machine operate by itself!"

"I let it schedule my week for me," Aoba commented.

"You what?!"

"I let it schedule my week for me."

"But...what...why...how?!"

"It's easy. I tell it what I need to do for the week and the MAGI computer organizes events so that I can accomplish my tasks most efficiently. Furthermore, it finds extra time for me to waste away that I didn't even know I had! It's amazing! Too bad that it forces me to exercise regularly, too, but it's good to keep in shape, right?"

"Hold it, hold it! You use the world's most advanced computer ever built as a personal day planner?!"

"Well, uh, yeah. What else am I supposed to use it for?"

"I don't know...maybe your job!"

"That's the problem, though. What exactly are we supposed to do these days? I'm not sure what my job is anymore."

"'We, as part of NERV, are assigned to protect the world from the Angels.' How could you not know that?! The old logo that we used for years had those exact words written underneath!"

"Hey, I know we're supposed to be the Earth's last defence. I don't get how we're supposed to be heroes, though. All we do is sit around in front of computer screens all day. When the Angels _were_ attacking Tokyo-3, we ran around like headless chickens while _children_ saved the day."

Hyuga scoffed. "Well, that's how we do it."

"Do what?"

"Save the earth."

"How? By running around like headless chickens?"

"By sitting in front of these monitors."

"But we don't do that when it matters," replied Aoba. "We acted even dumber than decapitated chickens."

"Well, we're sitting in front of our monitors _now_."

"That's not saving the planet, though."

"Yes, it is," Hyuga said with absolute confidence.

"I'm not killing any alien monsters right now...though, I think my foot went asleep a couple of minutes ago, if that counts for anything…Anyway, what do you mean?"

"We operate the MAGI, obviously, that's how we save the Earth."

"Yes, but the MAGI supercomputer doesn't need us, because it's so smart. So...why are we even here?"

"No, it does need us, because it is _too_ smart. Do you understand anything I'm saying?"

"I could prove that the MAGI doesn't need us."

"What do you mean, Shigeru?"

"I could go away for a week and I bet no one would notice because the supercomputer would run smoothly without me."

"You can't do that! The MAGI needs us. What if an Angel attacked again?! You'd end up destroying the planet just to prove a pointless point!"

"No, the world would be fine. Trust me, Makoto. The MAGI wouldn't do anything dangerous."

"What if the computer loses control and it needs to be detonated? Did you ever think about that in this crazy plan?"

"Yeah. I actually checked into it. The MAGI understands itself better than us and it's programmed to self-detonate at any time a serious error occurs."

"Really?"

"Yep. In fact, we put ourselves in more danger by working alongside the computer than we'd be if we let it run itself."

"But what if it's self-aware and doesn't want to destroy itself, huh? If it's as smart as you say then surely it has self-preservation as its number one priority. I think we'd be doomed if we let it choose to detonate itself."

Aoba laughed. "Of course, we'd be doomed! We'd die if the Geo-Front exploded with us in it, and we'd die if an Angel reached Central Dogma! Why do you think we have so much trouble getting life insurance? One way or another, we're going to die if we work at NERV."

Hyuga was having difficulty keeping up with his pal. "Uh, w-well, wouldn't you rather be in control of your demise? You know, self-determination? S-So we'd be better off detonating the machine itself."

"Yeah, but whenever we do trying anything with the computers, it doesn't work anyways. Remember all the times it rejected our signals whenever an Evangelion went berserk? What's the point of trying to self-detonate the MAGI? I bet that wouldn't work, either."

"Okay, just shut up. Whatever you say can't be true. You're making this up. In case you hadn't realized, part of the reason we're here is to prevent errors from happening to the MAGI in the first place."

"No, we aren't. The MAGI was designed to never have any errors, so whenever errors occur the computer doesn't recognize them as errors on its part, but errors on our part. As a result, MAGI classifies _us _as inept and rejects any commands we give it."

Hyuga gaped. "That's...just impossible, and you know it."

Aoba shook his head. "I'm not kidding. The thing is unbelievably arrogant—even more so a genius scientist, mother, and woman put together—and has the greatest ego a piece of machinery can possibly have. Nothing can penetrate its logical armour."

"Doesn't matter. It's made by humans, so something has to be wrong with it. Haven't you heard of human error?"

"I should ask the same of you. Don't you get it?"

"Get what...? Sorry, you've lost me here."

"That only proves my point."

"What point?"

"That we shouldn't be here."

"Okay, what exactly is your point?"

"Don't you see?" Aoba asked, then went on. "_We're _the human errors of the machine. Literally. It doesn't have any mistakes inherent to it, but it can be affected by outside sources. The only possible problems it could have would come from us! So what exactly are we supposed to do here?"

"Now this is just ridiculous. You're saying we're the cause of all the problems the MAGI might have?"

"That's right. After all, the computer planned my week for me because of _my_ interference, which diverted its valuable RAM for less than a millionth of a second. Imagine if that happened in the middle of an attack."

"Don't bring up your own stupidity!"

"How can I not? That's the core of my argument."

"All right. Fine. I give up. Go away for the week, I don't mind..."

Aoba laughed, feeling victorious. "Ha! I knew you'd a-"

"...but why would you want to? It'd cost you a week's salary. You know how cheap the Commander is. He refused to pay Sakura when she went on maternity leave. There's no way he'd pay you a yen even if you tried using your sick days."

"I..."

"Hadn't thought of that, had you?" Hyuga smirked.

"No... I don't think it's worth that much money to make a statement."

"I guess this is another one of those human errors, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Which is exactly why the MAGI needs us."

"Huh?"

"Did you ever think that maybe the MAGI requires human errors?"

"Requires them?"

"If it's as smart as you say, maybe it needs us from keeping it from being too smart, like I say it is."

Aoba hung his head. "That makes no sense."

"Or does it?"

"No, really, it doesn't."

"Then...think about it this way. Why was the MAGI built in the first place?"

"So I could have a really fancy way of organizing my time, apparently. It wasn't a whole lot of help when Unit-01 went berserk."

"That's not exactly what I meant...but, yes! It's because you are stupid! And not just you, but plenty of other people are stupid, too. And the MAGI is smart enough to compensate for all this stupidity and fix our problems for us!"

"All the more reason to believe it would be better off without us."

"Wrong! It has no reason to exist if we aren't making mistakes. Hence, it needs us to make mistakes! It has no purpose, otherwise."

"Okay, okay. You might have a bit of a point about the MAGI needing us. That still doesn't explain why we are here, however."

Hyuga pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Doesn't it?"

"No, because, Mr. Know-it-All, the MAGI has just done all the work we were supposed to do for the day for us while we've been talking the past few minutes. Plus, a new pot of coffee has been sent to the bridge by the MAGI in case our throats were dry after this excessive talking."

"It...did...?" A woman came and dropped off a pot of coffee just then. "It did!"

"So let me ask you again: uh, why exactly are we here?"

Makoto Hyuga gave up:

"I honestly have no idea."

---

_The Answer:_

Two men, inside a dark office, were discussing matters pertaining to fiscal responsibility, a few hours after Hyuga and Aoba's debate.

"The reports on the officers under our command, Fuyutsuki, if you will?" Gendou asked.

It was time to save NERV some money.

"Another budget cut, Ikari?" Fuyutsuki couldn't believe it. For Christ's sake, the old man could have been living the good life as a retired professor by now. He cleared his throat. "The financial situation is grim. It has gotten to the point that NERV makes most of its money from the coffee shop. And all that money comes from people under our employ. All in all, we're losing money fast."

"Yes," Gendou nodded, "trying to end the world is certainly not the cheapest of enterprises."

Fuyutsuki sighed. "By this point, NERV _needs_ the world to end if we want to even come close to our overheads," he muttered.

"It will, Fuyutsuki," Gendou declared. Most ominously. "The world will end. I will make sure of it. In the meantime, the reports?"

Fuyutsuki sighed again. "The coffee girl wants a raise. She's complaining that her hourly wages are not even a tenth of minimal wage."

"Fire her. Next?"

"The janitor wants a new mop. Says there's always too much LCL and blood on the floors and the old mop is useless."

"Tell him that he will use what he has or he will find a new job."

"Understood."

"Next on the list?"

"A couple of technicians have gone on strike and-"

"Fire all of them," Gendou interrupted.

Fuyutsuki looked at the Commander in astonishment. "You won't even hear their demands? They're pretty reasonable, I think," he said. Then he began to list some. " 'Basic human right, new paper for the printer, a dental plan…' ."

"That's enough, Fuyutsuki. My answer remains the same. Have them removed from the premises by tomorrow. Next?"

"The Head Scientist, Ritsuko Akagi"

"Keep her. She is useful to me."

"I bet she is," Fuyutsuki muttered under his breath. "And Major Katsuragi, what shall we do about her? I'll remind you, Ikari, that she's done nothing the past two years since the last Angel attack."

"She can continue working here. Her wages cost less than it would for me to pay a full-time babysitter for my son. Who's next?"

_Gendou Ikari_…Fuyutsuki thought in disgust. _The man that was too cheap to even raise his own son…_

"The double-agent. Kaji is his name, correct?"

Gendou stood up in anger. "I fired him months ago!"

"Oh, sorry, my mistake.

The commander calmed himself and sat down. "All right, who else is there?"

"The three children and the bridge staff."

Not many left then. NERV was already operating with less staff than it would need to have a credible skeleton crew.

"Hmm," Gendou considered matters of employment. "Rei is the only one we need on staff since she will be creating Instrumentality for us," he mused, "not to mention that I can get away with paying her less than I would for an illegal immigrant." Indeed, why else was Rei's apartment so shoddy? Gendou was the cheapest bastard ever. "And the Second Child is the only one of the pilots with skill, whenever she is not having one of her damnable temper tantrums—which is never. And Shinji…hmmm…I would not say we really need him, but…"

"Ikari!" Fuyutsuki shouted. "Don't tell me you would even fire your own son!"

Well, Gendou would, of course. It's not like he had any trouble abandoning him.

"I would terminate his employment, but…as his parent, I do receive most of his salary." Gendou crossed his hands in front of his face and smirked. "Which I have placed in a…trust fund."

_Dear Lord, that's even worse than firing his own son would be_, Fuyutsuki paled. The old man needed to change the subject. Immediately. "That leaves the bridge staff." Surely, they were going to get the axe. Fuyutsuki could not understand why they hadn't been fired. "I still do not know why you even allowed them to be hired. What exactly do they even do?"

"Let us put that concern aside for the moment, Fuyutsuki. Do you have the reports or not?"

"Yes, Ikari." He flipped through some papers. "I didn't note their names—couldn't remember them—so I called the long-haired one Male #1, the one with glasses is Male #2, and the girl is the Girl."

"That shall suffice. How are they performing?"

"Poorly. All of them."

"Begin with Male #1. Which one is he, again?" Gendou frowned. He could never remember their names.

Fuyutsuki examined his papers, just to make sure. "The one with long hair."

"Yes. Tell me about his report."

"He has a number of problems, maybe more than everyone else. It's rather surprising and beyond expectations, considering how well he did during certain tests in his training."

"Go on."

"First of all, his attendance record is horrid. He's late every single day and we have no idea why, since he lives so close to the Geo-Front. Nonetheless, he is, at the minimum, twenty minutes late without fail. Once he arrives at work, he often takes coffee breaks. About six to eight times a day. Meanwhile, our cameras show that when he is, in fact, sitting at his position, he more often than not plays air guitar; rarely is his time spent working. Furthermore, he takes off early whenever he can—which is every day, thanks to those damnable workers' union laws that SEELE cursed us with."

"Indeed. Those laws are a greater threat to our Instrumentality than those non-existent Angels. Being unable to disband the union after SEELE's collapse is my greatest loss ever." Gendou shook his fist at the union.

"Quite. So, Male #1, the one with long hair, ends up working for about a total of thirty minutes a day, while being paid for working twelve. While the actual work he does is exemplary, when he bothers to concentrate for a moment, it does by no means compensate for his inactivity. Overall, our reports have determined that Male #1 is one of the biggest, most pointless wastes of our budget, and that he is a major liability to all that NERV strives to achieve."

"Apparently," Gendou agreed. "And Male #2? How is he functioning? And which one is he, again?"

"The, um," Fuyutsuki paused to look through the papers once more, "one with the glasses."

"Of course. How effective is he?"

"Not at all. He is practically as ineffectual as the other guy."

"Is that even possible?"

"It is. On a superficial level, Male #2 may seem to be a much more effective worker than Male #1, but our closer examinations have revealed that he is clearly an inadequate moron."

"Explain, Fuyutsuki."

"Contrary to Male #1, Male #2's attendance is superlative...and that is his only asset, if it can be called an asset in this case. He arrives at work ten minutes early before every shift. He takes the two required fifteen-minute breaks that he needs to and only because the rules say he must—Male #2 answered this in a 'compulsory' survey we gave to him—and he always returns to work exactly fifteen minutes after he goes for break. Similarly, he signs out at the end of the day exactly when required. To summarize, Male #2 is the perfect working man."

"Yet your report has declared him incompetent."

"Yes. While it is true that he devotes himself to his job, he has no idea what he's doing. He barely passed the proper examinations and security camera evidence suggests that he cheated his way through those. We only question the possibility of him cheating because we don't believe he is smart enough to cheat. Simply put, Male #2 is so moronic that he cannot use a computer. Half the time, his computer is not even turned and he types away without realizing this. The other half of the time, when his computer is on, is worse because his random button pressings have caused several blackouts and other crises."

"Thus?"

"Thus, the 'work' he produces only makes more work for other people, so not only are we wasting money on Male #2, we're losing funds because we have to pay overtime to the electricians, the janitors—don't ask—, maintenance staff, and to the cafeteria ladies. And since we've fired most of the electricians, janitors and cafeteria staff, this is a _lot_ of overtime, Ikari."

"In other words, he is ineffably inept," Commander Ikari concluded.

"Yes. The ultimate humiliation, on top of this, is that Male #2 believes himself to be doing a great job, when really it is only the MAGI doing his work for him." Fuyutsuki shook his head.

"Fascinating. And the Girl?"

"Probably the only one even close to approaching usefulness. She doesn't possess the shocking intelligence of Male #1, nor the admirable, if useless, dedication of Male #1, but she doesn't have their irredeemable flaws, either."

"However, she isn't perfect, from what I understand."

"Correct. What she lacks in laziness and stupidity, she makes up for in incomprehensibility."

"Explain."

"I can't. It doesn't make sense, Ikari. It's incomprehensible."

"This is an order, Fuyutsuki."

"So be it. Ahem, the Girl frequently demonstrates a remarkable ability to multi-task and micro-manage. She takes advantage of this to do a slightly below-average job maintaining the systems of the Evangelion and their pilots, while she also..." Fuyutsuki trailed off.

"While she also...?"

The old man shook his head and resumed, "While she also tries her best to hack into the security camera systems of the women's washrooms."

A heavy, prolonged silence followed Fuyutsuki's words.

"Why?"

"We don't know. It doesn't make sense; it is not as though she cannot walk into them whenever she wants to."

"Has she ever succeeded and broken through our firewalls?"

"Not yet, but she gets closer every time. It doesn't affect any crucial operating systems, so we haven't stopped her. Also, the Girl's colleagues, those guys, ahem, desperately want her to break through."

"I see. Anything else I should know of the Girl?"

"One more thing we can't quite figure out. Whenever Dr. Akagi is present on the bridge with her, the Girl's productivity slips considerably and she creates more work for Dr. Akagi. Because Dr. Akagi is present with the Girl at almost all times, this is a bit of a concern, but since Dr. Akagi doesn't mind teaching the Girl a few tricks whenever this happens, we haven't reprimanded her so far. Ultimately, the Girl does an almost average job that we pay her too much for since the MAGI does most of her work for her, anyway."

"I will keep this in mind. Your final analysis then, Fuyutsuki?"

"We project the three will combine to reduce NERV's overall production by 35% by the end of the year. In the event that we enter another battle of attrition with an Angel, we're doomed because those three are hopeless. Common sense says that we fire all of them as soon as possible...but you won't do that, will you, Commander?" _Even though you're the biggest cheapskate I've ever met,_ Fuyutsuki thought but wisely chose not to mention.

Gendou smiled a cold smile. "No, I will not terminate their employment. Those three are staying at NERV until we end humanity since they are doing precisely what we pay them for: making us look better than we really are."

Money was nice, but having someone to blame for his mistakes was even more important to the Commander.

"Your true purpose, perhaps? Well, I honestly can't think of three who could do a better job of that. We can easily blame our every failure on those three; they're worth every single yen we waste on them."

Gendou chuckled. "All is going according to the scenario..."


End file.
